You know that saying, " Even in a crowded room, you can feel so alone?"
I never knew what people ment by that exactly. Now I very aware though of how isolated I am in the scene of GAY-T-L. I was raised Mormon, I think I have been through a lot in my life, but also I know a lot of people have. These events even though not the best, have created the man I am to oneday become. I am believe when I become a man, which in my book includes a bachelors, a full head of hair, and being over 24 years of age, I will be very proud.
But on the Friday night of Pride, I decided to go in full out DRAG to Pride Prom. I thought I did a pretty damn decent job, I do decent makeup, and I had a gorgeous dress, handbag, wig, etc... Well I get there and everyone is like OMG you look great. So I was like"YAY!"
Well as the evening passed( ALL 1 HOUR OF IT!), I decided I wanted to go Wild Mustangs. Well I had noone to go with, and I ran into someone I had not seen in a year. They tagged along with me...
We get to Mustangs, and noone is really there yet. But soon it packs up, and I thought I had a few DRAG queen, whom I THOUGHT were kinda my friends. I got ripped from head to toe, just viscous. And all this was in the name of pure fun.
I was told I needed to shave my eyebrows, needed more makeup, needed a better wig, needed to appear more womanly, etc etc etc... From people who I have blown, and been blown from. And just for the record JUSTICE, you give terrible blowjobs!
Well I change, then I sit there watching my peers pass me. I am like an alien to them, foreign against whatever vision of perfection they have in their heads. It was in that moment that I realized more then anything I wanted to fit in with them. Tag along with them and their groupies, wearing their MAC, Glamorous clothing, colors, glitter, talk they talk, dance like they dance, and just be one of them. They do no acknowledge for me who I am.
I am far to radical to fit in with them. A aloner amongst my peers, striking out on my own, only to find the same thing in every corner of this city. 18-24 year olds who party, drink, smoke, and say "TRUST" and "Sickening" with every word.
I wanted to cry, because for the first time in years I felt like I truly had no place. I really have no close gay friends, just people who I get drunk with, or see at clubs/bars and get drunk with. I don't even drink but maybe every couple of months.
I left citing that I was tired...
Driving home I played every sad song I have in my Ipod, but more or less it was Miranda Lambert- More Like Her
Fast forward to the next day, and I am happier. I mingle with the 25+ crowd so well, I can hold a conversation, I can drink and hold my liquer, and just chat. I am no queen, fairy, and especially not a twink.
I strive to be more then I am, I am intellegent, I am ambitious, I have goals not dreams, I drive a truck, I like my John Deer cap, I love the likers of Sugarland, Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, and Taylor Swift, I can sustain myself in chaos when other my age surrender to doubt and fear. Somehow I am different, but then again I am the same.
I guess what I am trying to say is I am still struggling to find my identity. I know I am gay, but that is part of me, not who I am. That is what makes me unique amongst my peers, my achievements and intellect are unrivaled when it comes to them. Yet, I need to find myself amongst the chaos of my mind, and amongst the foundation which my past has created for me. There are thousands of islands in the sea, and I have been to just a handful. There is still so much for me to witness, and experience, perhaps I am still to young to know the true me. We will see I suppose, it I do become the man I had once envisioned, or someone entirely.
PS- Forgive the bad grammar, it is late and I have school in a few hours, this was written in a hurry!