< A Modern Day Tragedy



ThisQuarterLifeCrisis.com

Sunday, July 19, 2015
It's been a long time, 10 years actually... This blog was once an important outlet for me, but I have grown up. I'm no longer some tragic closeted emo kid,  you can follow my current meanderings into manhood at This Quarter Life Crisis.

The Last Few Years- Act I

Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wow, I have been sitting here, the last few hours, reading my mindless teenage meanderings. They are embarrassing for me to look at now, but they are a testament to how much I have grown. So much has changed, and the beliefs I once held so dear, have been completely rewritten. I always thought my mind would be a constant, but this only shows how little I truly knew.

It has been 8 years of experience, and my entire perspective on life has been forever altered. I am actually surprised this blog was still here. I wonder what it will be like in 10 years, if I forgot about it again, and sit down and read what I am writing now. 

To think, I was merely 17 when I started this blog. A caddy little Southern boy, and now on my way to becoming a man. 8 years, so many memories compiled into my brain, and it is only now that I am beginning to perceive time in it's true meaning.  To understand my own mortality, and to actually start cherishing life in the moment. 

I am starting to understand the expression, "Youth is wasted on the young." I reflect on moments past, and think of how juvenile I was, in the way I acted. How much I hurt inside at times, when now I just think, "Tough luck baby." I was growing up though, and I had to experience heartbreak, death, successes, failures, and develop  a true sense of identity. Sometimes, 25 year old me, wishes I could punch 20 year old me in the face. 

I have honestly though, truly started to come into my own in this world. Instead of "friends" that merely last a few weeks or months, and then become fleeting memories, I have developed a true inner circle. People who have stood by my side, time and time again, no matter how much I fuck up. I have developed a sense of who it is that I am, and who I will be in 5, 10, or even 20 years. 

I have done so much, accomplished so much, and lost so much in the blink of an eye the last few years. But I will leave that for the next few posts. Instead of teenage meanderings of heartbreak(Sarcasm), uncertainty, self-absorbed postings, and a crude underdeveloped view of the world, I would like to leave you all with a posts that are intellectually stimulating, ever evolving, and bring a sense of maturity to the table. 

I have my flaws, but I am also not a 17 year old hot mess anymore=/

Cheers Loves,

Tragedy






Revitalizing New Life

I've decided to come back permanently to this blog, a lot has changed since I was a teenager...

I am now 25, living in Miami, and trying to figure out what this life all about.

I will be updating the templates, and the general settings of this blog in the coming days. I need a vent in my life, and I cannot think of a perfect way to do it.

Cheers Loves,

Tragedy

Wow, WTF have I done?

Monday, August 15, 2011
I'm not really sure where to start... I do need some kind of outlet for my mind, and the only thing which I can think of is blogging again. Fuck, I don't even know if anyone even reads this anymore...

The last few months have been a whirlwind of up and down emotions, of dragging the lust for the boy which I now believe I love oh so dearly.

Someone once told me something which I found very powerful, " You will find love when you least expect it, so stop looking..." And this quote I lived by for years, and was single from 18-almost 22. I ran around Atlanta with pride, fucking and breaking hearts, and making myself either loved or hated along the way.

Then in January of 2010, a boy came through the drive through at Starbucks I worked at. He just smiled, and I had never seen him before. He then came in every Monday and ordered his Cinnamon rolls, for almost 6 weeks straight. He was cute, but wasn't die hard gorgeous. There was just something about this boy I found so flattering. After a while I got up the courage to give him my number, and we dated for almost a month. I loved everything about him, and asked him one night if we were dating. He took that as, " Boyfriends..." And a few days later I clarified and he was my boyfriend.

Things were great for the first few weeks, then he ended up moving in with me and my family. He was supposed to only stay the weekend, but he never left. He comes from a very broken home whose family abuses the system for money, and they are the equivalent of white trash.

That summer I was doing A&P I and II, along with Chem I and II, in condensed summer sessions. I was tired and always wanted to be left alone, and he never wavered he stood by my side. I was tired, and when I could get out I went into Atlanta to Blake's. He loved me oh so dearly and was always there for me.

In the fall I was doing other full time load, and was working as well. He never left my side, but I would always take out my stress on him, and start an argument for no reason.

We broke up in October, but he stayed in our house. A month later we were together again.

During this time he had met another guy in Marietta, and continued to see him. December rolls around and he kept telling me he was at friends etc... Turns out he was still seeing this guy in Marietta, and he lied about it. I do not know if they slept together or not, but he did admit to it Halloween night that he and this guy slept together.

Then in January I started my school's Nursing Program. The stress was unbareable, the countless nights up studying, paperwork, and clinical concepts map about drove me over the edge. I was moody, and never spent any time with him.

He also in December had been laid off from his job, and was getting $140 a week from unemployment. He felt like a victim and claimed he had a right to draw it, and not find a job. He only went to massage school, and was never on time. I always had to help him with this paperwork, etc.

It pissed me off so much how I was working 25 hours a week and doing my schools nursing program, and he could just sit around all day. I got tired of paying for everything when we went out, so I stopped going out with him.

April rolls around and our relationship is really on the rocks. School along with clinicals was wearing me out, especially having to work. There were countless times where I would sleep 3-4 hours a night, for days on end and pop adderall and caffeine to stay awake and focus. I can only work in silence when I am left alone, and in dead silence. It got to the point where every time he would move in bed I would awake, and eventually I had to make him sleep in another room.

I do feel like he was lazy, but also he made sure after 12 hours at class and simulation labs, I would have a hot dinner. He always made sure my uniforms were clean and my work clothes. I felt though like he mooching the system, and was lazy. He never got why I was working so hard in school, and that when I could go out I wanted to go to my 1 bar I love, Blake's. He was only 19, I was his first boyfriend, and took his V card. He never went through any of the rights of passage most gay youth go through, but after the breakup and still I haven't cried.

There is something about him I do now realize I love. I felt that it was the wrong time and wrong place, and that he was too young. He disagreed when I told him 5 years of being gay makes a huge difference, and that he didn't need to experience things.

I was so busy we hadn't had sex in 2 months, and then one night he cheated. He denied it, and I went through his phone. Turns out while I was at the hospital/class/studying he had been running around Atlanta one day and met this boy. When I would be in class they would hookup. He said it was because I didn't give him any sex. I didn't have time, I am a perfectionist with school, and I had to work on top of that. He had all of the time in the world to dick around, I was sleep deprived and tired. He never understood, why when I got home some days I would just want to read a book for play angry birds for an hour and then sleep. I needed an outlet, I think it was because he was young.

I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I could have spent more time with him, and not at the library, or the few times I did go out I could have gone to see a movie with him. I feel like I could have taken fewer hours at work, and just so much more. I feel like that instead of making him sleep in the next room I could just have dealt with it. I feel like so much, I feel like I could have just let him draw unemployment and not argue with him about not finding a job and doing nothing...

I found out he was cheating April 23, 2011. He was gone the next day...

He moved in with the guy he had been cheating with me on, and on May 2 was in a relationship. He said he did it because he was in survival mode, and had nowhere else left to go.

We argued back and forth all summer. He went down to Macon to stay with this guy, and he was my sloppy seconds from a few years back. I remember kicking him to the curb, because he is stupid as a fucking brick.

Ugh, I dunno I am so down right now. I don't feel attractive at all, I feel ugly for once in my life. My self-esteem is so low.

2010

Wednesday, November 03, 2010
I started blogging almost 5 years ago, it's kind of embarrassing to go back and read my posts, but oh well. I suppose I am going to start doing it again to some extent, I do miss it, much has happened, and I need an outlet.


Figuring All This Out

Thursday, December 25, 2008
I suppose I thought once I turned 18, and came out of the closet life itself would magically spit me out some kind of plan for life. A step by step " How To Guide" of navigating GAY-T-L, finding love, finishing school, and everything else life has to offer...

As children and teenagers grow up, we have to get ourselves out of the mental mindset of " I know what I want, and I want it now..." We are used to getting results in the here, and now, and hate waiting. Over the last few years I have come to realize this, and I believe I am finally coming out of that mindset. I have come to learn patience( to a degree), and not to expect people to meet up to my expectations of them, I have had to relearn what rejection means in the sense of romance, and what rejection feels like on the professional level. I have had to come to terms that I am a mortal soul, who will someday seize to exist, and am starting to realize what matters the most in living life to the fullest is my own self happiness.

At this point in my life I would say I am content, I tried living on my own for about a year and half, but when I got laid off moved back home. This though I feel has caused a few good things... I finally got my ass into college over the last year, and have actually managed to stay there. I have actually found something I enjoy studying, which is Russian... Oh, BTW I will be in Moscow for 6 weeks this summer... Yeah, I actually made a plan and have stuck to it!!! GO ME!

I somehow have ended up working the last 12 year as a makeup artist, and I am not bad at it surprisingly, and I make decent money for a college student.

I guess I am in that point in my life where I am transitioning from a boi to a man, and it is a scary journey. However, each day that goes by means I am one day closer to completing this journey...

Cheers,

T

Pride Was Weird

Thursday, July 10, 2008

You know that saying, " Even in a crowded room, you can feel so alone?"

I never knew what people ment by that exactly. Now I very aware though of how isolated I am in the scene of GAY-T-L. I was raised Mormon, I think I have been through a lot in my life, but also I know a lot of people have. These events even though not the best, have created the man I am to oneday become. I am believe when I become a man, which in my book includes a bachelors, a full head of hair, and being over 24 years of age, I will be very proud.

But on the Friday night of Pride, I decided to go in full out DRAG to Pride Prom. I thought I did a pretty damn decent job, I do decent makeup, and I had a gorgeous dress, handbag, wig, etc... Well I get there and everyone is like OMG you look great. So I was like"YAY!"

Well as the evening passed( ALL 1 HOUR OF IT!), I decided I wanted to go Wild Mustangs. Well I had noone to go with, and I ran into someone I had not seen in a year. They tagged along with me...

We get to Mustangs, and noone is really there yet. But soon it packs up, and I thought I had a few DRAG queen, whom I THOUGHT were kinda my friends. I got ripped from head to toe, just viscous. And all this was in the name of pure fun. 

I was told I needed to shave my eyebrows, needed more makeup, needed a better wig, needed to appear more womanly, etc etc etc... From people who I have blown, and been blown from. And just for the record JUSTICE, you give terrible blowjobs!

Well I change, then I sit there watching my peers pass me. I am like an alien to them, foreign against whatever vision of perfection they have in their heads. It was in that moment that I realized more then anything I wanted to fit in with them. Tag along with them and their groupies, wearing their MAC, Glamorous clothing, colors, glitter, talk they talk, dance like they dance, and just be one of them. They do no acknowledge for me who I am.

I am far to radical to fit in with them. A aloner amongst my peers, striking out on my own, only to find the same thing in every corner of this city. 18-24 year olds who party, drink, smoke, and say "TRUST" and "Sickening" with every word. 

I wanted to cry, because for the first time in years I felt like I truly had no place. I really have no close gay friends, just people who I get drunk with, or see at clubs/bars and get drunk with. I don't even drink but maybe every couple of months.

I left citing that I was tired...

Driving home I played every sad song I have in my Ipod, but more or less it was Miranda Lambert- More Like Her

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Fast forward to the next day, and I am happier. I mingle with the 25+ crowd so well, I can hold a conversation, I can drink and hold my liquer, and just chat. I am no queen, fairy, and especially not a twink.

I strive to be more then I am, I am intellegent, I am ambitious, I have goals not dreams, I drive a truck, I like my John Deer cap, I love the likers of Sugarland, Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, and Taylor Swift, I can sustain myself in chaos when other my age surrender to doubt and fear. Somehow I am different, but then again I am the same.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am still struggling to find my identity. I know I am gay, but that is part of me, not who I am. That is what makes me unique amongst my peers, my achievements and intellect are unrivaled when it comes to them. Yet, I need to find myself amongst the chaos of my mind, and amongst the foundation which my past has created for me. There are thousands of islands in the sea, and I have been to just a handful. There is still so much for me to witness, and experience, perhaps I am still to young to know the true me. We will see I suppose, it I do become the man I had once envisioned, or someone entirely. 

PS- Forgive the bad grammar, it is late and I have school in a few hours, this was written in a hurry!

Ugh! Baby

Monday, June 30, 2008
So another two weeks have come and gone in the life of T. Nothing very excited has happened that I can think of really. Besides that fact that I went on a horrible date!

So, I started a new job a few weeks ago. I was walking around the complex, and I met this other guy... Obviously he was gay! So we talked, and he seemed sweet, but a little nerdy. He was kinda cute in a weird geeky way, so I decided to go on a date with him that evening.

Well I meet him at work, and then we drive to his place. It was a nice little apartment thing, and he was talking all happy and everything. He was not sure where to take me, but I love sushi and he knew this cool little sushi place.

We get there, and they know him by name. (Joseph is his name sorry!) We small talk, he talks about his best friend Rachel who is just so Glamorous. This that and the other, and it wasn't awkward silence kinda date, just friendly talk. At this point I wasn't really digging it, but I needed some! Like it has been a while, so when he started talking about going to his place to watch a movie I was like ,"OKAY!"

Then we are ready to leave, and when we get the check he asks to SPLIT the damn thing. In my mind I was like " Oh hell no bitch, you didn't drag me out here through this 1 hour of hell to split this check!" Of course I didn't say it! But he was like oh I haven't gotten paid, excuses excuses excuses.

So we head over back to his place in his shitty little car. I was kinda ticked, but whatever. Then he starts talking about his music career, how he wants to be an organ player, his church choir, and this and that other bull shit! I cannot people who so strongly believe in a GOD, I am a devote atheist, and worshipper of Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins, and so on! I had to keep my mouth shut!

So we get back to his place, and he like I can be a killer bar tender! I was okay, make me a Saphire Martini! He makes it, and it tastes like SHIT! I live for Gin and Whiskey, this asshole kinda fucked up my love for Gin!Well we stick in a movie, and he starts rubbing my back, and all that. I just pull up, and sit with my legs crossed Indian style on the couch. He eventually gets the message!

I leave, and he texts me on the way home! " I had fun cute boi, why didn't you cuddle with me!

I respond-Your kinda cute, but I am just not digging it

I don't hear anything back!

Well I saw this boi out Saturday night, and he was fucking drunk. We are sitting outside of this club drinking bears, and martinis, and here comes Josephs drunk ass. I was with one of my friends Corey, and Joseph is like bringing back old memories of him when they dated 2 years ago. Telling us how much he missed him after three dates, blah blah blah!

Well then he blurts out in qoute, " Corey, I want to take you home, and have your piss on me again!"

That just ruined the moment, Coreys face went blood shot red...

It was awkward and out night ended at that moment.

But Corey, is le mucho hottness.. So feel free to piss white stuff on me honey!