A Modern Day Tragedy: 13+ Years Post Emo Kid

The time has come for me to close this chapter. A year and a half ago I was in the closest, in a small conservative town, roughly 45 minutes outside of Atlanta. When I created this blog I was very naive to the workings of the world, and I still am. However over the course of the last year or so, I have gained much insight into the workings of gay society. It is a society with many ins and outs, many secrets, many legacies to be written, and many wanting to do harm. However this is ot the case with the vast majority of gays, they want to do good, and that is it. I was once very closed minded to all sorts of gays, from the lesbians, to the femmes is what I assume they shall be called. However I opened up alot to them, and learned they all play their part. Especially the lesbians, they are like gay men, without ever having to worry about being hit on. Another plus is one has became very close to me... The main reasons for me ending this is this. I once wrote some of my deepest thoughts

So last Thursday I went to the Masquerade like I do on the occasion. I only socialize when I go there, but I really enjoy going out to eat after we leave. We generally go to Steak And Shake. So we went there, and we got there, there were tons of beautiful men. So none of them were gay, but okay so they were still hot I am allowed to stare correct?Well then comes this Brazilian group of guys in, and after a while I realize they are gay. One of them is this beautiful man, and I keep staring at him. He stares back and they are sitting there, and he stares right back at me. I just wanted him right then and there... At first I thought they were Latino, so I was trying to understand what they were saying, being I am Latin. I could not, and eventually the waitress told us it was Portugese... But after a while I got up and went to the restroom. As I was at the urinal someone walked into the stall right beside me, my hand was on the urinal for support. Next thing I know I felt someone rubbing m

I am a very healthy person. I watch what I consume, and try my hardest to have a very balanced diet. I do not consume pork nor beef, and I only eat organic foods. I run like a bitc h about 25 miles per week, and then three other days a week I do a weird assortment of cardio at the gym. Either cycle, elliptical, and or the treadmill, on the occasion I might do a class... However these last few weeks I have done none of the above. I have been so stressed, and I have not ran and I am eating like a cow. It has made me feel better, however I am reaping the benefits as of today. I truly have not looked into the mirror, until last night and I did not like what I saw. Staring back at me was this chubby little fat guy. I know I am not fat, but I do not like this. I have developed love handles, my abs are shot all to hell, and well as for my pecks they are now hidden under a layer of fat. I just got back from the gym, and I weighed myself. I thought the damage was 5-6 pounds, but hell no it'

I pick my brothers up at school everyday like I have for the last year. I was the car line this afternoon, and one of my little brothers gets in the car. He has one of his friends with him, and they are all of 10. I tell them to sit down, and let me care them to get something to eat. The little boy out of nowhere asks, " Hey whats a faggot? My Mom says that you are a faggot and it's a sin..." I didn't say anything to his question. I just turned off the radio, brought the top up and dropped the brat off at his house. I almost truly felt like driving off the road with him in the car with me. I have realize he is 10, and means no harm to me. However I also realize his parents are what truly create homophobia. In return to his actions, it is another example of the Southern Christian Dumbass Coalition.

Being out is very odd. I guess I should have felt that everything would be different, however everything has truly remained the same outside of home life. I still go to cheerleading, I still run, I still do school work, and I still have the same old friends. However it just feel different... I guess what I am trying to say ,is even though I can go sporting the rainbow, and say, " GURL!!!" A million times a day, I truly don't want to. I still want to run my small company and expand it, I will want to work on school work, I still want to shop on the American Eagle clearance racks for my 4 dollar shirts, and 10 dollar jeans. I am still very much the same person, but people around me seem to think differently. There is this thing in the gay world, where when people comes out. They just seem to go from normal acting to complete queen and everything in between. They love their Mac, Prada, Armani, Versace, and lavish lifestyle that they support on their $7.50 an hour job at Aber

So, it has been one week since the drama began. My family is having an incredibly hard time adjusting to something that always has been, and always will be. They tend to think for some reason this changes everything about me, and who I am. In fact, who I was before, was who I am, and the only difference now is I can be honest about who I date. There has been much yelling and screaming this past week. My Mom thinks I'm going to burn in hell, and has brought the Church into play. Now however, she has dropped her going to hell argument, and has pretty much asked the Church to stay out of this for now. I have had tried to have a few conversation with her this week, all of them going, " Help me understand it, I just don't!" This is what she is saying, and in all reality I don't even understand being gay. It's not a choice, it just that I like guys to girls. She can't see this, however I hope in time she will come to see it. Here are a list of some of her theori

My fellow readers, bloggers, and whomever reads this. This Tragic chapter of my life is almost over. I am emotionally, and physically drained, and cannot think straight. I am in tears in and out of the day, with a family that doesn't understand. They sway back and forth as if they themselves were wheat stems in the wind. I was outed Saturday night. How? I do not want to go into detail. However, when I did comeout it was supposed to be planned. This was unexpected and it's killing me inside... Having a Mormon mother, and family is hard. At first she was understanding of the whole thing. Now, it is as if something has sucked the force of love, and understanding out of her. She is constantly in a state of tears. Asking, " Why have I chosen this for myself?" She believes I am going to burn in hell, and that this choice is her fault. She keeps blaming it on herself, and thinks somewhere in my childhood I was molested... She goes in and out of these moods, where she is hap

I have been in one of my moods this week. Not a depressing, bitchy, or athletic health freak mood, but more of a thinking mood. I have thought about a lot of things, on a lot of topics. This I can assure you, I am rested in my mind. However something crossed my mind, and this concept even shatters my belief in faith. This goes beyond the death of a pet BTW... If we are so sure there is an after life, then why when someone dies do we mourn so much? They do comfort ourselves as we are living, with the knowledge that there is a Heaven in Hell. If we are so sure of these things, then why do we just not carry on? How come we mourn for weeks, months, and years...? If our faith God is so well written in stone, then why do we say, " I will never see them again? This is something that baffles me. If we as a society were so well sure of Heaven, they how ?come we just don't carry on, and expect to see them when we pass? I was just pondering this, and it astonishes me the concepts the h

I am sorry for not updating. This has been somewhat of a difficult week for me, not dealing with mortality. No, noone died, in a sense. However my companion of 15 years a chocolate coloured Cocker Spaniel has passed away. I came home Sunday after practice to find her on the floor. I rushed her to the animal hospital near by, but it was to late. There was nothing they could do for her. I talked with the vet after I sobbed like a child for an hour. She believed by dog has suffered from a stroke, just like humans do. I didn't know dogs could suffer from a stroke. It has been very odd for me. My family doesn't seem to have measured the loss. Mainly do to the fact that we all have our own animals, my brother has a Jack Russel, the other has a Ball Python, and my Mom has 2 yorkies. It is strange going to sleep at night, generally Coco was to the right of me under the covers. And Minnie Me, and Gizmo were on the same pillow at the head of the bead. I dunno, I really want another dog.

I find it astonishing, how we pay money to go to a social event, and then all we do is get humiliated. Not humiliated by someone, but by ourselves. How we anticipate this extravagant event, with tons of bois, and making new friends. In reality, in the back of our minds, we all know we will stand around in the corner. While the person that invited us socializes, and flaunts their hotness. With all of the others just like this. That while they are dancing, and half faced drunk, not knowing if that thing they are making out with is a drag queen or an actual girl. They dance the night away, oblivious to all of the worlds problems, set that everything is going to be okay. They spend countless dollars on their high end Versace, Prada, and Armani. They huff, and puff that magic weed, or take some pixie up the nose. They complain that their “Boy Make Up" is smeared, and how much their Mac costs. They grumble over how hot the others guys “Girl Pants" are, and how they are, “So tight t

I have somewhat of a crush, on the individual I consider my best friend. I told him last week how I felt, and he really hasn't given me a clear response. Last night we were in Midtown, and we were getting ready to leave. Somehow we started getting very flirty with each other. I had my back up against his car, and he was right in front of me. We were discussing sex, relationships, and plans. Then out of the blue he just kissed me. Every neuron in my brain was sparking. I couldn't decide what to do, if I should knock him away; go with it, or what. I felt like a child in a candy store trying to pick out his favorite candy, yet he can't makeup his mind. I really enjoyed the sensation of his lips against mine. I decided to go with it, and then about 5 seconds into it he just pulled out. He then stated, “I just wanted to know what it was like with you." All of a sudden my heart went from being utterly high in my own world of paranoia, to sinking into the dark cold abyss of t

Okay, so here is my new problem. However for some basics I will go back just a little bit. I am a senior in high school, and I will be graduating this Christmas. I will be graduating a whole semester early, because I have worked my ass off. I am a fairly intelligent individual. I school I have never truly applied myself to be all that I could be. I have settled for a A, B average, and I am happy with this. I see school as a requirement to succeed in life, howeverI don't think school is all that. I however have plans to go to college. I however run a small part time business, and I do not have time to go to a regular sit down, and study college. I require my classes to be on my own schedule and not one set by someone else. I do plan on expanding my business while in college, and running it to its full potential when I have graduated. Most people BTW, in the gay community do not know this about me. What I do is mildly embarrassing but the money is excellent. I also will have news art

I have done an incredible job of never telling a single soul about this blog. Never once, has it even slipped out. I got a call from someone tonight who went to Youth Pride, I miss that place BTW I have not been in forever, and they started talking to me. We were discussing what people were talking about. Then out of the blue they asked me if I had heard about, " THE BLOG." I didn't think anything at first, and they were telling me about how someone told everyone about this blog. They it has a lot of stories about people in Gay Atlanta, and such. And then they add that everyone was sitting around MidTown, reading the posts at that moment. I asked what was it so I could look at it, and then he states, " A Modern Day Tragedy, or something like that..." My stomach about turned into a knot. I didn't say anything, but I would look at it. Apparently they all think it's someone else completely other then me. I will let them complete the guessing game, and appar

So, I have this friend. I met him in April, and at first we had a very odd relationship. We would hangout, but only whenever I saw him around MidTown. His name is Matt, and he is this adorable little Jewish boy. There was this other guy named Dylan, that he at the time was best friends with. Dylan and him though has since parted ways, mainly because Dylan is dating a fool. Matt can't stant him, and he confronted him about. A huge argument errupted, and so they no longer speak. I have since moved up his social latter to being one of his best friends. He is very good at expressing the way he feels, and I have grown to actually have this big cruch on him. It has been on and off for the last 5 months, but I have had one now for a month. I really have tried everyway to tell him how attracted I am to him. However everytime I open my mouth just plain old words come up. I swear to God there is this invisible barrier that is stopping me from speaking the way I feel. I have a hard enough tim

Greg is in town this week. I actually had the pleasure of seeing him these past few days. His family is in the process of moving back to California. He is also attending UCLA, so there will not more seeing him, for a long while I am sure. He looks the same, still has the body of a Greek God, and the dark hair and eyes. He still has one of the most beautiful complexions on a man I have ever seen. We went out to lunch and hung out all over Lenox yesterday. We talked at Starbucks at Lenox for the longest time. Catching up on things and what he is up to. He has gotten a job as a cheerleading coach out in California, at some All Star gym. He still has this sexy black Chrysler 300 C. It was odd being around him though. He had that aura that me want to be with him again, or at least I was lusting for him. It's odd realizing that every quality about his being made me attracted to him still. Even after that stunt he pulled last Christmas, and the anxiety and hatred that was brought with it.

Okay, so there are several things I have to address in this entry. For starters I am feeling much better then I was several nights ago, but also about this blog. I am sorry for neglecting this blog. I am aware there are some of you out there who actually like my posts. I am going to start spending more time actually writing decent posts on a more frequent basis. These few posts have been very useless. Also in regards to this blog I will try my hardest to start proof reading what I have written better. I am aware, that many of you are anal about perfect grammer. The reason for this is most of these posts are written in a few minutes, and I don't have time to fix errors. Also I will updating my Blog Roll in the next week or so. I will adding several blogs that have grown on me and deleting a few that have gotten cold and sour. I am also contemplating a new layout for the blog. However this might be some ways away. Reason being I adore the black and grew one I have now, and I love my

I am enjoying this new blog that someone emailed to me. I took 3 years of French in middle school, so I can understand somewhat of the material. However I just really enjoy the pictures in it.... Yummy it's called Pablo Chester .

I am sick with a headache, vomiting, fever, chills, the runs, cramps, and everything else. I feel like shit, and I don't know why...

I am sick with a headache, vomiting, fever, chills, the runs, cramps, and everything else. I feel like shit, and I don't know why...

Oh, how I adore music. I have a very odd taste in music or so I am told. I love all genres of music, and really there isn't one thing of music that I don't like. I just have ones I prefere. If you have been a long reader of this blog you will know my favorite artist is Anna Nalick. There is something so majestic and relaxing about her voice. Then there is the mucher lesser known, male version of her named Ben Jelen.... His music video is here... I do prefere softer sounding, enchanting, and relaxing music for the most part. I adore Norah Jones, Diana Krall, Jamie Cullum, Gavin Degraw, Michelle Branch, The Wreckers, Holy Cole, Third Force, Tori Amos, and a shitload of music. However I found this version and remake of Time After Time this aftertoon I just love. I have been listening to it all day hear it for yourself

I loved this show growing up...

For the longest time I have thought about the idea of just picking up and leaving. Not as in running away, but as in leaving everything behind in my life, and moving somewhere. Someplace where I don't know anyone, or anything. I want to live somewhere besides the South, even though I feel this will always be my home. I just feel like I am at a point where I don't have a clue what I want to do in life. I mean I know what I want to do, but in the mean time... What I want to do in life is 15 or 20 years away. I have my 20's to figure this out. I feel that I have fallen into the same old routine of get up, work, school, and sleep. This is my life, and I love my life don't get me wrong. I just feel for a few years that I need to be governed by a different set mof like equations. That the force which runs through me has become so routine. The more I think about I really am not wanting to go to college right away. Lets face I can expect to live a long time, and they say the 3

So, last Saturday I went on a very nice date, with a very sweet guy. Well from what I knew of him at the time a very sweet guy. His parents were out of town, and so I went over and a few other people. He is a recovering alcoholic or so he states. I end up deciding I want a few shots of vodka, and I take about 2 over a 3 hour period. This is enough to get me tipsy, but I know my limits and when to stop. So about 2 I stopped, and started to sober up. It was about this time his drunk straight friend start trying to get him to taste this awsome beer. He refuses at first and I start to see I think I am liking this guy. Well about 30 minutes passes, and his friend convinces him to taste it. Then he drinks the whole beer. Time progresses, and then he is in this state of mind, " Oh, I can get drunk and drink every Saturday it will only be once a week for a month." I having read, " Clean: A New Generation In Recovery Speaks Out."( Okay I know it should be underlined, but I&#

Last night I think I went on the most meaningful date yet. Instead of dating someone who was in all reality a total loser. This guy had some things going for him, and some not so much. However the main thing that set this guy apart was the fact, that he actually took me somewhere nice and PAID!!! I have grown very accustomed to dating broke morons who work as waiter, or at Starbucks, and have all the aspirations but do nothing to achieve them. This guy manages a pizza restaurant, but he is also in school. He is very attractive. We started out by going to Einstiens, and I have never been to this place before. It is very nice, and very expensive. I was looking over the menu, and not wanting to break his bank, nor send him into bankruptcy I decided on something small. He saw me apparently looking over the prices, and said get anything I want. So I ended up getting the Grilled Chicken Tarragon which was actually delicious I might say. We talked waiting on the food, and he had lots to say.

There is nothing more irritating then car lots. I thought people were just being over dramatic, and crap but really these people have it down to science on how to irritate and annoy the fuck out of me. So, yesterday with the approval from my Mom, a 97 Mustang to trade, and 3000 in cash to put down. I go and look at the Prius, and to tell you the truth I have fallen in love with them. I never would have thought a hybrid thing would have been so nice inside and out. It drove very well, and had far more kick then I thought it would have. I put about 50 miles on that thing, driving it from the lot to the bank, then up 10 miles 85. I drove like a damn dream, nothing like a Mustang GT, but still it drove very nicely. So, I end up getting approved with the trade in, and the cash down. My baby mustang is worth about 2500 trade in, so I guess it's not that bad. Well I had 5500 to put down total the price of the car, was 25k roughly. So then I get approved and this and that. Everything was

My Mom and me this morning were sitting around the table listening to the News. I have not been watching the news lately these last few months, and one reason is it makes me uncomfortable. We were discussing the world issues mainly in Isreal. My Mom says something along the lines of, " Yeah, those Guerillas attacked the Isreal troops..." I dropped her off at the airport, and then came home. I was sitting in the living room watching the News again, and they came on. They said something similar to, " The Guerillas were hiding in basements, houses, and in trees. They have guns and ads attacking people, and killing them.... so and so..." Lil Bro looks at me and says, " Why are Gorillas attacking people." He is thinking of Gorillas like the apes. I have been very tense these last few days, and this just made me laugh. He just looked at me. He didn't understand that the Guerillas are actually a rogue and radical faction of a government. I replied, "

Last night I believe I went on one of the worst dates of my life. Not worst date, just the guy was so blah. He was cute so I said yeah. As soon as I started sitting down to eat, he just talked my ear off. I didn't say a damn word. On top of it all he kept talking Bull Shit. When I say bullshit I don't mean topping his stories off to make them sound impressive. I mean straight out bullshit. I will leave his wackass stories for tomarrow when I have more time to blog. On another note I got my first Tattoo. It is an ellipsis, on my back right shoulder. I have wanted one, but I thought forever what I wanted. This no something on me, this is a part of me. I like it for that, and I believe this will be the only one I ever get. I might post some pics if I can get some decent ones of my back. I want to blog more but I'm about to turn into the living dead I'm so tired. Cheers, T

Okay this is a weird, and mildly stomach churning video...

So, I have purchased Anna Nalicks new CD, Wreck Of The Day 06. It is actually a very good CD, and I do enjoy. I love the remake of Wreck Of The Day the best. Also I bought the new Dixie Chicks CD this week. I love their song, " Not Ready To Make Nice." On another note though. I am happy to announce I will be graduating 5 months early in December of this year. What I want to do in life I really don't know? I want to go into business, but as for college I really don't have a clue. I've decided not to persue a relationship with this older gentlemen. Not because of his age, but because what we have in common is not enough to sustain a lasting relationship. Cheers, T

I am going on a date tonight with a really decent guy, and his looks are just wow. I thought he was like in his mid 20's. In fact it turns out it is more like 32... While this guy is great and everything I am not sure how I feel about the age difference. What would others think? Is this something worth persueing?...

I think last night I went on the worst date, in the entire history of Man. I swear this guy is not all that and a bag of chips in the looks department, but he was so sweet. I decided to give it a shot, mainly because after I have gotten to know people who aren't super hot. Their personality makes me look at them, and go, " Oh, they are smoking motherfracking hot..." So we were originally supposed to go and watch the fireworks. They were moved to yesterday due to rain on the 4th. Well, it started raining so I just meet up with him at his place. I wanted to go somewhere, but he demaned that we stay there. He ended up having some movie from Blockbuster called The Lost Angel. It was a decent movie, but the whole time he was getting so touchy and feely that it wasn't even funny. He held my hand, and touch my hair, and while I know this is him trying to be sweet. His ass needed to back off before I busted a cap in his ass. He offered me nothing to eat, nor drink. I was star

I think of my favorite actresses is Amy Jo Johnson. Not just actress but she is a very talented artist. She was the original Pink Power Ranger back in the early 90's. I have both of her albums and she has very haunting music. So beautiful and tranguil, and similar to that of Anna Nalick. I have been a huge fan of hers from Felicity, to this new series on ABC Family she in called Wild Fire. She is such an under represented actress, and musician.... Plus on top of it all she is beautiful as hell!

I go into Atlanta all of the time. One of the main reasons is in hopes of finding true romance. I have no desire for a hookup, and I guess that being with someone just makes sex enjoyable for me. I know this because I haven't had sex in 7 months. I miss Greg, and I have foregiven him in my mind for his little advantures with Blake. Plus he was good in bed as far as I can tell, although he being my only expierience so far. I miss his touch, and his voice, but most of all I think I miss his smell. He was a good person, and I know he feels bad for what he did. I go into Atlanta, trying to find someone to take his place in my mind. Trying to find someone to keep my company. However I am starting to feel my motives are different then many people there.... However I got an email from him this afternoon, and it reads.... Hey, I am aware you may not wish to read this. You may just delete, and this will be a loss of my emotions and time. You know I regret what I did to you. You treated me s

There are moments in everyones life, when something random and unexpected comes to the table that leaves them utterly unable to talk. There have been moments in my life where someone has told me something about them, that was disturbing at first. However after it has sunk in allows me grasp who they are with far better understanding. Conversation the other night with someone whom I slightly know. Me: Are you feeling okay? Him: No, I have been sick all day. Me: Oh God, dude I am sorry what is wrong? Him: We're not sure, either it's a bug or my HIV... After he said that everything else which poured from his mouth seemed to just evaporate into thin hair. I sat there for a minute wondering if I had heard correctly and my reply... Me: Did you just say you had the three letter disease...? Besides the fact that I was tripping over my own words this whole time, my whole body got shaky. The pit in my stomach grew three times it's size, and I felt like I was gonna vomit. Him: Yes, I

I just found out Anna Nalick was coming to Atlanta on August 29. I was bursting with joy. I have never seen my favorite artist in concert. When she was here with Howie Day last summer, I was at Duke. When she was here with Rob Thomas, I had a competition. Now she is here with some moron named Chris Isaak, and for this reason I cannot afford tickets. They are $135 each, and for this very reason I has just shed a tear. I am actually very sad about this... I really want to see her.

Besides listening to Wreck Of The Day remake song over 55 times today... I have also determined what kind of guys I truly am attracted to! For some reason very pale light skinned guys drive me wild. I am talking about the light skinned German, Polish ones. Their skin, and hair just is so beautiful. Their skin tone is like nothing I have ever had the pleasure of seeing before. Also I have also determined that Jewish guys are also very hot. There is something about them:) There I said it! I like German, Polish, and Jewish Bois...

Well it is almost here. On July 11th,2006 Anna Nalick's remake album Wreck Of The Day(06) hit's shelves. I have almost been blown away by the new remake of Wreck Of The Day song. You can hear it on her myspace .........

As of right now I am sitting at Atlanta's Gay cafe OutWrite. There is nothing more tense then seeing someone of whom you once dated sitting on the balcony. He said," Hey." Then there was a quick hug. This is very difficult for me sitting here. Seeing him drawing away into a journal. Wondering what he is drawing, and wondering what he is thinking? This is the guy I dated a few weeks ago, and it still is very difficult for me to sit here. I want to talk to him, but the approach is hard................ My life is not a Tragedy, but this situation is an unfolding one..............

I have officially left the bartending/serving world, and hopefully forever. For a while now I have been doing my own gig, by that I mean I have my own company. It had been growing slowly until this week the local paper caught wind of the high schooler who owns a business. They ran a story on it, and it was on the front page of the local paper. I told the journalist who wrote it my whole story. She kept telling me the whole time people would love this..... Well, she fracking woman distorted everything I told her. Especially about my mother, it is all true, but God is is phrased so harshly. I love my Mom, but our relationship right now is very rocky. She thinks I don't spend enough time at home, and I am always working to much. She claims I neglect my responsibilities for watching my brothers all summer while she travels with work. I can't watch them 24/7, so you get the picture. She knows the local paper is doing a story on it. I told her I couldn't find the paper anywhe

Okay, so as some of you know I dated a guy for about a week. I actually really liked him, and the 2 guys before him claimed I neglected them. So this one I decided not to neglect and it backfired. He told me he felt like I smothered him. I actually was starting to fall for this one. But he was sincere to me when he told me that. I was hurt though I didn't shed a tear, but I honestly was hurt. For a week I ran into him 3 times and it was so awkward for me. I almost felt like he hated me, so last night I hear from some twink say, " Yeah, I he was telling me he thinks your an asshole to him, and a jerk." I called him and I feel so much better. He better explained himself, and myself to him. He was still genuine for all of the 8 minutes we talked. I shall miss this one, but at least now I can approach him, and talk to him when I see him.

One of the few actual gay men I have admired is Christopher Beckman, and not for his role on Real World. I admire him for his story, his roots, where he came from and where is going in the world. I have been such a huge fan of him, and I can relate many of the issues in my past with him. He has a book out called, " Clean: A New Generation in Recovery Speaks Out." Besides the fact that his story is so compelling and inspirational to me, he is actually a really genuine writer. He has some personal touch to his writers most writers can't convey. It is almost like he is sitting beside me as I read the book, and explaining his emotions in those memories to me. I have just started reading it this afternoon but I am more then halfway through it. If you are looking for something to read give it a shot!

You know that feeling when you meet a guy who is so adorable, but everyone thinks he is straight? Secretly in the back of my mind I highly suspect he's gay, and I have caught him looking at me on more then one occasion tonight. However I don't want to fall for anymore cheerleaders.......... This one though is kinda, WOAH.........

So of course I live within the confides of the gayest city in the South. Okay, the fact of the matter remains I have been spaired somewhat. God, has blessed me with living in the country, with one hell of a fracking drive into the city. It's not bad though I actually prefere the country to the city. I always have and I always will, it just feels like home. The hustle and bustle of the big city would annoy me. There are many things that I don't understand about the concept of Drag Shows in the firstplace. I don't mind the people behind the costumes, but I just don't like them in Drag period. I get so uneasy, and skittish when they dress that way. It just really to me brings me down, when I see Gay Society dries each and everyday to move forward, but yet we have our youth who still hold onto their stereotypical beliefs created, by the youth that society feeds on. A major part of us not getting anywhere is not the older gentlemen, but the younger ones holding gays back. No

It's official......... Anna Nalick has announced the release of her second album due out this summer. While not a true second album it is the remake of Wreck Of The Day, her last album. However it includes 3 new songs, and a remake of the title track Wreck Of The Day, which BTW is my favorite song on the album. I am so excited I about want to cry................ YOU GO ANNA!!!!

I adore running, I have kinda neglecting my normal routine of 15 miles a week lately due to work. But however I just love it. I went into the gym this morning to use the treadmill. I get there the same time this girl did about 7 AM. We start I always aim for a 10 minute mile with a 3-5 mile run. We start at the same time. Well I finish at 3 miles, and I had a 9:15 mile which is decent. I see her getting off, after about 15 minutes, and I said, " Finished?" Her responce, " Yeah, I have a 5:30 second mile run." You people with a 5 or 6 minute mile make me sick, and envious of your abilities at the same time.................

A lot has been happening here is my catch up post. I had been dating a guy I actually liked him to. We went on a few dates, and been dating a week. Then he told me that he felt I was smothering him. That I came to the city just to see him for a few minutes here and there. The fact of the matter is the guy I dated before thought I was neglecting him, and it went nowhere. Oh well, but I was in the city anyway. Why not stop by his work and say hey or something. His loss not mine......... On another note I have never been so drunk that I actuall had a hangover. Yesterday I woke up with this blistering headache, vomitting, the whole nine yards. I had about 4 shots which for me is alot....................... Also I went to a pool party yesterday. I have learned there are different types of gay men. More by age and personality factors then anything else. Here is a brief overview of gay men at pool parties... I the young ones 18-23ish are skinny, smoke, and say girl out the rood. Also they

There is nothing more that scares me, while running down the road, then a teenage girl in a Beamer, on a cell phone with music blasting.........................

I kinda just met a guy he is adorable, but he is not my type. However his name is Gabriel, and I think he has one of the most beautiful names. I have never actually met anyone with this name before. There is something about Holy names I suppose I find beautiful. Like the name Nathaniel, or Noah, I just hope I never meet a Lucifer.

It has been one year since the birth of this Blog. A Modern Day Tragedy, not so much still. My life in all of its ups and downs and thrills and drama of a roller coaster, is pretty much tranquil. I have been through more in the last year then I thought I would have ever been through. It's interesting, althought I have learned much about myself, and who I am. I am virtually the same person. Still have the same hair, skin, and body. I still have the desire to fall in love. I still have the same deep seeded faith. If there is anything I have learned through the last year it is this....... Whatever life throws my way can either be good or bad. It just determines how I see it. I can choose the outcome of any situation. I just require the motivation, and determination to do so. I am weak, and still not a strong person. On the inside I am very insecure about myself. I give off this cocky conceited vibe, yet secretly I am always doubting myself. Just wondering if perhaps this will be the t

I know my recent posts are incomplete and very scattered. I haven't had much time these last few months to post much. I miss posting everyday I really do... However this is one of those times when I need the advice or words of wisdoms from actual readers. I fear I have done something, possibly nothing. However I am not sure... I have been on a few dates with a this awsome guy. The last post was about him although I never finished it. Well he works alot like I do, but this week I have had more free time on my hands. So I have been trying to spend time with him. However I am not sure if this was to much for him. Yesterday I went by to see him at his work. Which BTW is a gay establishment. He seemed very annoyed by my random magic show appearance there. I was in the area anyway. But anyway he hugged me, but he had that, " What are you doing here, I am annoyed to fuck" vibe he was giving off......... So I kinda left in a hurry, and then one of my friends call me. Well kinda f

So yeah, I am dating a great guy right now. I am not sure really where we are heading, but he is different then most of the guys I have dated. Well, maybe he isn't perhaps I am just so caught up in lust and love that I can no longer tell. But back to the story. We ended up meeting through some crackhead kid with one nut, is ADHD, and is obviously Bipolar.At first he just introduced me to him, and I astonished at his beauty in Outwrite. He chatted for a bit then we got into a conversation. It was decent but, with three other people I am assuming. However we talked outsite once they kicked us out for closing us and a few others guys. I could already tell I was attracted to him. We ended up going out to eat kinda, then he had to leave but we did a number swatch. We went to Joe's, and I was talking with the guys I was with. I talked about him just a tad. One of the actual somewhat intelligent guys I was with just told me to call him...

This afternoon mildly last minute I was invited to a pool party. It was interesting, and I did not stay long. I don't feel comfortable in a swim suit, and even though I'm not large I feel very insecure in one. This was a spur of the moment last minute thing...... Okay so then I get to work, and it is dead. Of course I am the bartender that they send home.... Instead of coming home I head into Atlanta, to Outwrite.... Erg... So I get there this older creepy gentlemen introduces himself to me and asks my name. I just tell him, and walk away.... So I get to the couch and I start drinking my tea, and reading my book. Well he just keeps staring at me. I end up seeing a few people I have known kinda, and we get into a converstion. We head out onto the balcony and about 10:30 this gentlemen comes up and hands me this one dollar bill, under it is a note.... He walks over to Blake's, and I ask the guy I was with to read the note... It reads Hey, I can't help but think your reall

This is something I found floating around Myspace. I grew up in this era, and I remember all of this. This made me feel really weird, and miss being a kid............. I still am thought, kinda.... do you guys remerber these days???? Do you guys remerber these days?? Do u remember? Before the MySpace frenzy. Before the Internet & text messaging. Before Sidekicks & iPods. Before MIKE JONESSS Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX. Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. Way back . Tag. Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk. Red Light, Green Light. Heads Up 7 Up. Playing Kickball & Dodgeball

The first CD I ever bought was Michelle Branch's " The Spirit Room." I fell in love with her, and still I love that CD is it one of my favorites. The in I bought " Hotel Paper" her second album and fell in love with it. Then Michelle Branch teamed up with Carlos Santana for, " The Game Of Love" and " I'm Feeling You" both very great songs. I have known for a while that Michelle Branch teamed up with some dumbass blonde hobag named, Jessica Harp. The two now have a CD out, and I stood in line at 12 Am for more then an hour waiting for them to bring the damn thing out. I bought it, and popped it into my cars CD player. I am very dissapointed with it. Ugh, Michelle drop the blonde, and once again pick up your guitar, and strum along to the lines of Hotel Paper.

I think one of the hardest things I am able to do is be mean to someone. But seriously if I am not attracted to someone what can I say?!? Scenario...... I am sitting at a gay establishment here in Atlanta. Here comes this guy up to me, and brought up by his buddy. He introduces himself I shake his hand, and he just stands there. In the middle of me having a conversation, about something that I was very interested in.... Yeah, I got into a discussion about theoretical technologies/astronomy/Battlestar Galactica/ Star Trek with a few other gay guys.... I'm a NERD.... Back to the story.The guy just stands there, and he isn't ugly. I just have not interest in him. He has not quality to him physically that I would find appealing for myself. So they stand there for about 2 minutes just trying to start small talk. He was tall, mixed between African American, and White I assume. But he was to dark skinned for me, he has a very messy beard, he wore these pants so tight on himself they l

So, in the almost what I would call, " A secretly desperate approach and search for a boyfriend." I have been sitting up at various points in MidTown, hoping that I will see a cute boi my age that I can read, when he's interested. It's a Buffet of Manlyness up there, my eyes going over all the guys that walk into the doors of these establishments. Some young, most in their 30's and the cute ones in their 20's. I pour of them, looking at each one just hoping one will give me that quick sidesmirk, or catch his eyes looking at mine. So far, nothing..... Except it tends to be all the old guys, while I sit in Outwrite that approach me. I was only in there working on school work, and yeah I do go their hoping to see someone. However I always get my tea, and sit. The other night this one gentleman(middle aged pedophile), taps me on the shoulder and asks if I was eating a Fruit Roll Up. He claimed he could smell one. I just shoved it off and told , him, " No, it&

Red Chair is an interesting place if you live in the Metro Atlanta Area. I went for the first time this week. Both time Wensday and Thursday night. The place was somewhat dead, but I assume that is because it was very early. Around 11ish.... The place has these beautiful pictures of scenes and people on the wall. I loved the one out front of this woman with blue hair holding some sort of Martini glass. I swear it looks like Cher from her that video and song where she sings, " I believe in love." I know I don't know what the song is called. But it is a beautiful place. Both times I just sat away from the group I was with, in a trance from looking at the bartender. I never got his name, but I was just ordering bottled water, he was beautiful. Not sure why I was so hypnotized by him, but he just had that aura about him.... I could stare at him all night long. I tend to like people though not hott, but just beautiful to me. There is this kid I guess 17 that works at the local

One of the things about myself that I am not sure is a curse, a gift, or something in between yet, is that I am to afraid to talk to any guy I seem attracted to. I went to a gay dance last night as usual I spent my time drinking water and talking at the front door, and absolutely no time dancing. Pointing out all the ones I thought were cute. As usual there were about 5 of them, and each one I just don't have the confidence to approach. I tend to prefere when they approach me, but this is the irony in it all. Almost all guys tend to want the other person to approach them. I just can't walk up to someone and be like whats up. Guys do it to me, but most of them I have no interest in, or I am in a hurry to get somewhere and they think I'm blowing them off, in the non sexual sense. So perhaps in time this will change. However the one guy I did talk to last night who is adorable is one of my friend boyfriends. Sigh, to bad he's taken.

So since March I have been having very spuratic blog posts. Not anything with flow and set to it like I used to blog. I used to post 2 posts a day, then it went to every other day, and so forth but it was updated fairly often. I have been working my ass off, and thank God school is almost over for the year. However I will be doing summer classes through one of the local colleges, but it will only be two days a week, and it will make senior year so much easier. Here are updates about what has been going on. Nothing in depth although those posts will be coming later. -I still have my company I do part time and I have all the permits and everything worked out. -I also am a bartender now, which I do enjoy very much and I have some stories I might share oneday. -My Mom's doing so much better with her treatments. -School is kicking me ass once again. -I had a potential fling with a guy, but nothing happened, and we never were " Official". I have work now though. Cheers, T

Okay so just to catch you up.... My desktop crashed, and I have been computerless for about 2 weeks which BTW was about to kill me. However now I have a BRAND NEW laptop, and some stuff to post. As of of right now I have work. Cheers, T

Very rarely do I see a blog worth mentioning in this, besides the ones in my blogroll. Whoever this is a very original blog, and one worth reading. It's called " Letters To Zac ." Cheers, T

Tonight I met a guy. He was silent at first in our discussion group, a gay group might I add. We were sitting there, talking about what ever. He was so cute sitting there, and then towards the end we smiled at each other a few times. Towards the we were leaving and he was following me and the instructor I assume. The instructor said, " Goodbye" and then he turned to me and said, " I'll see you later." I had just gotten the courage to run up to him and ask him if he wanted to go to Starbucks when..... Someone started talking to me. I couldn't be rude and just run out the door. So for 2 minutes we talked, and I ran around for about 10 minutes looking for this guy. The other guys there all wanted my number but I didn't want to give it to him... I wanted this guy's number and his only.... Sigh, this happens whenever I see a cutie.

I am so sick of giving my heart to someone and being in that euphoric, "Everything is Grand O'le Great" state of mind. I am sick of giving myself to someone and have them kick me to the curb like dog shit. I am sick of calling and calling any guy I talk to, and either them try to fuck me, or never call me back. I am sick of having a great conversation with a guy only to have then jump up and talk to the next best thing in line. The fact is I had sex with Greg 4 months ago. It was great because I felt something for him.I don't like being close to someone if there is no connection there. I have no desire for sex, until I know I feel something for someone. I am fine with my left hand and Sean Cody, and Corbin Fisher.... I am going to give up the hopes of finding some Abercrombiehott ass guy, in hopes of falling in love, and becoming a Stepford Fag. I am no longer attracted to these kinds of guys because all they want is Party, Sex, and well sex.... I want that genuine bo

I am going to stop posting so many day to day posts about everything that happens in my life. I am going to however start posting posts mainly about my growth and expieriences in the Gay World. So instead of updating 2-3 times a day, expect more like 4-5 times a week. I think it will make the blog more interesting, and not so full of crap. I am however going to be going to the Youth Pride dance this Friday in Atlanta. Cheers, T

Last night I went to the GA Tech Gay Pride Par-Tay, well thats what they called it. Anyway it really was a blow, I went with a guy I met at Youth Pride. He is so sweet, and his friends were all really good to me. I hardly ever drink and when I do it is maybe a glass or so of wine. However I had what they called, "2 tall shot glasses", of straight up vodka I believe. The shit burned like hell both times going down my throat. I have learned from then when I drink I go from pretty much straight acting to a total trannie, whatever that means I still don't know. Apparently I say such things at , " Hunny, Bitch, Whatever,...." and such gay queen lingo. I don't really remember this.... I do know by the time I have sobered up they were leaving for the Party. The dancing sucks, and in fact I hate dancing. I stand there with 2 guys on each side of me just going back and forth. I would rather be at work. Well there was this adorably quiet guy standing by the enterance

I really don't know who I am. I constantly struggle with myself to define who I am, and for noone but myself. I think about things I am sure most people my age don't think about. I am secretly a geek, and I love Dungeons and Dragons, Star Trek, Battle Star Galactica, HALO, Star Craft, and other nerdy SciFi gigs. I am overly critical of things and people, and highly judgemental, and I have high standards for myself and others around me. I don't really gossip, if I have something to say, I say it to your face. I love the colours blue and black together, and I find the colour green repulsive. I really don't know how to spell the word colour, so I spell it colour and color.... I would define myself as an artist with a massive artists block, and a businessman. I love business and money issues. I am not sure why exactly I have always been good with money, and making it and coming up with new concepts, and understanding the philosophy of money has always been in my art. I also

For the longest time even though I have finally admitted I was gay to myself. I still have felt like I am the Sinners Saint in the eye's of God. I still felt the burden that I am gonna go to hell. I still feel guilty for something I know I cannont help. It's not a choice, but who I am. Nothing can change that. I have always felt like I was in this battle for myself. That along the way I would have no true allies in the world.... However I have heard of a place called Youth Pride here in Atlanta. My Mom is out of town on business, and my brothers were at something for school. I had a chance to go so I went. I felt nervous there, when I first arrived. I asked some guys sitting downstairs where 18-24 year olds where. The just said find the biggest group they change rooms often,. I went in the was so nervous and shaky the first 30 minutes there. The first guy who was very kind just said sit down. There was another guy accross the room, and he was just talking and I was silent for

I have a new boyfriend as of last Friday, kinda of a long story, and post but I'll call him " AD." Just so you know a post will be about him tomarrow as well....

So we end up in Kentucky and stop at some old mall, and we walk around because we have been driving for hours. We get out and this mall is so damn small I don't really think it qualifies as a mall. However there is this store called The Buckle and they had the coolest clothes in their. Affliction is now my favorite brand of clothing. I also found one at a damn mall an hour at Arbor Place mall.... But yeah, we head through Nashville, that city is so UGLY. From Nashville we head to Chattanooga, and it was so pretty driving through the mountains. 3 Hours later we wee Atlanta, dead beat tired from staying in the Budget Inn which BTW was disgusting. This is Thursday when we get into Atlanta. About 9 PM when we get back to our portion of the city. I get a call from someone that guy I had gone to the Masquerade the Thursday before, asking if I wanted to go. I of course said yeah.... I get to the Masquerade arounf 12 had to pay 3 fracking bucks to get in because the password wasn't go

Last Wensday I get a call from one of my friends. They are inviting me on an accross country road trip to go and pick their car up in Minneapolis, MN. Their is one guy I am friends with, and some girl I have never met. Being broke and bored, I of course scream, " Yes!" So we fly up to Minneapolis, and get her car and everything their goes great. BTW, the Mid West from an airplane is seriously one of the ugliest things ever. So we spend 8 hours that day driving back to Atlanta, and smelling cow shit for 200 miles non stop driving through Wisconson....... More to come time for school!

No, I have not gone anywhere. The blog is still here. I got invited on a spring break trip so last minute that I didn't have time to write a post, hell I hardly had time to pack, and left so much stuff at home. I have some pictures, and loads of stories I will post. From Miniesota( however you spell it) to Florida. However I have work. I have gotten 19 emails this week asking where I was.

I have a deep seeded faith in The Lord. Don't get my wrong, but there are many day and lengths of time when I have no clue where my life is headed. In fact I barely know who I am as a person. I often find myself trying to figure myself out, and have a rebirth as a person in a sense. I was driving around the other day and I saw a sign for a Palm Reader. This isn't the first time I have been to a mystic, 2 years ago I went to a psychic and everything she said freaked me out, and alot of it has came true. I stopped by the Palm Reader, and went in. She is a yougn woman in her 30's I am going to guess. Very pretty. She asked me my name and sat me down. She asked to see my left hand. I held it out and started by telling me my life would be long, but sometime in the next 9 months she saw diabeties in my family. Not me for say, but someone close to me. She then went to explain that the last three years of my life have been and emotional uproar for me and a hard one at that. She was