Wow, WTF have I done?
I'm not really sure where to start... I do need some kind of outlet for my mind, and the only thing which I can think of is blogging again. Fuck, I don't even know if anyone even reads this anymore...
The last few months have been a whirlwind of up and down emotions, of dragging the lust for the boy which I now believe I love oh so dearly.
Someone once told me something which I found very powerful, " You will find love when you least expect it, so stop looking..." And this quote I lived by for years, and was single from 18-almost 22. I ran around Atlanta with pride, fucking and breaking hearts, and making myself either loved or hated along the way.
Then in January of 2010, a boy came through the drive through at Starbucks I worked at. He just smiled, and I had never seen him before. He then came in every Monday and ordered his Cinnamon rolls, for almost 6 weeks straight. He was cute, but wasn't die hard gorgeous. There was just something about this boy I found so flattering. After a while I got up the courage to give him my number, and we dated for almost a month. I loved everything about him, and asked him one night if we were dating. He took that as, " Boyfriends..." And a few days later I clarified and he was my boyfriend.
Things were great for the first few weeks, then he ended up moving in with me and my family. He was supposed to only stay the weekend, but he never left. He comes from a very broken home whose family abuses the system for money, and they are the equivalent of white trash.
That summer I was doing A&P I and II, along with Chem I and II, in condensed summer sessions. I was tired and always wanted to be left alone, and he never wavered he stood by my side. I was tired, and when I could get out I went into Atlanta to Blake's. He loved me oh so dearly and was always there for me.
In the fall I was doing other full time load, and was working as well. He never left my side, but I would always take out my stress on him, and start an argument for no reason.
We broke up in October, but he stayed in our house. A month later we were together again.
During this time he had met another guy in Marietta, and continued to see him. December rolls around and he kept telling me he was at friends etc... Turns out he was still seeing this guy in Marietta, and he lied about it. I do not know if they slept together or not, but he did admit to it Halloween night that he and this guy slept together.
Then in January I started my school's Nursing Program. The stress was unbareable, the countless nights up studying, paperwork, and clinical concepts map about drove me over the edge. I was moody, and never spent any time with him.
He also in December had been laid off from his job, and was getting $140 a week from unemployment. He felt like a victim and claimed he had a right to draw it, and not find a job. He only went to massage school, and was never on time. I always had to help him with this paperwork, etc.
It pissed me off so much how I was working 25 hours a week and doing my schools nursing program, and he could just sit around all day. I got tired of paying for everything when we went out, so I stopped going out with him.
April rolls around and our relationship is really on the rocks. School along with clinicals was wearing me out, especially having to work. There were countless times where I would sleep 3-4 hours a night, for days on end and pop adderall and caffeine to stay awake and focus. I can only work in silence when I am left alone, and in dead silence. It got to the point where every time he would move in bed I would awake, and eventually I had to make him sleep in another room.
I do feel like he was lazy, but also he made sure after 12 hours at class and simulation labs, I would have a hot dinner. He always made sure my uniforms were clean and my work clothes. I felt though like he mooching the system, and was lazy. He never got why I was working so hard in school, and that when I could go out I wanted to go to my 1 bar I love, Blake's. He was only 19, I was his first boyfriend, and took his V card. He never went through any of the rights of passage most gay youth go through, but after the breakup and still I haven't cried.
There is something about him I do now realize I love. I felt that it was the wrong time and wrong place, and that he was too young. He disagreed when I told him 5 years of being gay makes a huge difference, and that he didn't need to experience things.
I was so busy we hadn't had sex in 2 months, and then one night he cheated. He denied it, and I went through his phone. Turns out while I was at the hospital/class/studying he had been running around Atlanta one day and met this boy. When I would be in class they would hookup. He said it was because I didn't give him any sex. I didn't have time, I am a perfectionist with school, and I had to work on top of that. He had all of the time in the world to dick around, I was sleep deprived and tired. He never understood, why when I got home some days I would just want to read a book for play angry birds for an hour and then sleep. I needed an outlet, I think it was because he was young.
I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I could have spent more time with him, and not at the library, or the few times I did go out I could have gone to see a movie with him. I feel like I could have taken fewer hours at work, and just so much more. I feel like that instead of making him sleep in the next room I could just have dealt with it. I feel like so much, I feel like I could have just let him draw unemployment and not argue with him about not finding a job and doing nothing...
I found out he was cheating April 23, 2011. He was gone the next day...
He moved in with the guy he had been cheating with me on, and on May 2 was in a relationship. He said he did it because he was in survival mode, and had nowhere else left to go.
We argued back and forth all summer. He went down to Macon to stay with this guy, and he was my sloppy seconds from a few years back. I remember kicking him to the curb, because he is stupid as a fucking brick.
Ugh, I dunno I am so down right now. I don't feel attractive at all, I feel ugly for once in my life. My self-esteem is so low.
The last few months have been a whirlwind of up and down emotions, of dragging the lust for the boy which I now believe I love oh so dearly.
Someone once told me something which I found very powerful, " You will find love when you least expect it, so stop looking..." And this quote I lived by for years, and was single from 18-almost 22. I ran around Atlanta with pride, fucking and breaking hearts, and making myself either loved or hated along the way.
Then in January of 2010, a boy came through the drive through at Starbucks I worked at. He just smiled, and I had never seen him before. He then came in every Monday and ordered his Cinnamon rolls, for almost 6 weeks straight. He was cute, but wasn't die hard gorgeous. There was just something about this boy I found so flattering. After a while I got up the courage to give him my number, and we dated for almost a month. I loved everything about him, and asked him one night if we were dating. He took that as, " Boyfriends..." And a few days later I clarified and he was my boyfriend.
Things were great for the first few weeks, then he ended up moving in with me and my family. He was supposed to only stay the weekend, but he never left. He comes from a very broken home whose family abuses the system for money, and they are the equivalent of white trash.
That summer I was doing A&P I and II, along with Chem I and II, in condensed summer sessions. I was tired and always wanted to be left alone, and he never wavered he stood by my side. I was tired, and when I could get out I went into Atlanta to Blake's. He loved me oh so dearly and was always there for me.
In the fall I was doing other full time load, and was working as well. He never left my side, but I would always take out my stress on him, and start an argument for no reason.
We broke up in October, but he stayed in our house. A month later we were together again.
During this time he had met another guy in Marietta, and continued to see him. December rolls around and he kept telling me he was at friends etc... Turns out he was still seeing this guy in Marietta, and he lied about it. I do not know if they slept together or not, but he did admit to it Halloween night that he and this guy slept together.
Then in January I started my school's Nursing Program. The stress was unbareable, the countless nights up studying, paperwork, and clinical concepts map about drove me over the edge. I was moody, and never spent any time with him.
He also in December had been laid off from his job, and was getting $140 a week from unemployment. He felt like a victim and claimed he had a right to draw it, and not find a job. He only went to massage school, and was never on time. I always had to help him with this paperwork, etc.
It pissed me off so much how I was working 25 hours a week and doing my schools nursing program, and he could just sit around all day. I got tired of paying for everything when we went out, so I stopped going out with him.
April rolls around and our relationship is really on the rocks. School along with clinicals was wearing me out, especially having to work. There were countless times where I would sleep 3-4 hours a night, for days on end and pop adderall and caffeine to stay awake and focus. I can only work in silence when I am left alone, and in dead silence. It got to the point where every time he would move in bed I would awake, and eventually I had to make him sleep in another room.
I do feel like he was lazy, but also he made sure after 12 hours at class and simulation labs, I would have a hot dinner. He always made sure my uniforms were clean and my work clothes. I felt though like he mooching the system, and was lazy. He never got why I was working so hard in school, and that when I could go out I wanted to go to my 1 bar I love, Blake's. He was only 19, I was his first boyfriend, and took his V card. He never went through any of the rights of passage most gay youth go through, but after the breakup and still I haven't cried.
There is something about him I do now realize I love. I felt that it was the wrong time and wrong place, and that he was too young. He disagreed when I told him 5 years of being gay makes a huge difference, and that he didn't need to experience things.
I was so busy we hadn't had sex in 2 months, and then one night he cheated. He denied it, and I went through his phone. Turns out while I was at the hospital/class/studying he had been running around Atlanta one day and met this boy. When I would be in class they would hookup. He said it was because I didn't give him any sex. I didn't have time, I am a perfectionist with school, and I had to work on top of that. He had all of the time in the world to dick around, I was sleep deprived and tired. He never understood, why when I got home some days I would just want to read a book for play angry birds for an hour and then sleep. I needed an outlet, I think it was because he was young.
I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I could have spent more time with him, and not at the library, or the few times I did go out I could have gone to see a movie with him. I feel like I could have taken fewer hours at work, and just so much more. I feel like that instead of making him sleep in the next room I could just have dealt with it. I feel like so much, I feel like I could have just let him draw unemployment and not argue with him about not finding a job and doing nothing...
I found out he was cheating April 23, 2011. He was gone the next day...
He moved in with the guy he had been cheating with me on, and on May 2 was in a relationship. He said he did it because he was in survival mode, and had nowhere else left to go.
We argued back and forth all summer. He went down to Macon to stay with this guy, and he was my sloppy seconds from a few years back. I remember kicking him to the curb, because he is stupid as a fucking brick.
Ugh, I dunno I am so down right now. I don't feel attractive at all, I feel ugly for once in my life. My self-esteem is so low.
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