A Modern Day Tragedy: 13+ Years Post Emo Kid

I started blogging almost 5 years ago, it's kind of embarrassing to go back and read my posts, but oh well. I suppose I am going to start doing it again to some extent, I do miss it, much has happened, and I need an outlet.

I suppose I thought once I turned 18, and came out of the closet life itself would magically spit me out some kind of plan for life. A step by step " How To Guide" of navigating GAY-T-L, finding love, finishing school, and everything else life has to offer... As children and teenagers grow up, we have to get ourselves out of the mental mindset of " I know what I want, and I want it now..." We are used to getting results in the here, and now, and hate waiting. Over the last few years I have come to realize this, and I believe I am finally coming out of that mindset. I have come to learn patience( to a degree), and not to expect people to meet up to my expectations of them, I have had to relearn what rejection means in the sense of romance, and what rejection feels like on the professional level. I have had to come to terms that I am a mortal soul, who will someday seize to exist, and am starting to realize what matters the most in living life to the fullest is my ow...

You know that saying, " Even in a crowded room, you can feel so alone?" I never knew what people ment by that exactly. Now I very aware though of how isolated I am in the scene of GAY-T-L. I was raised Mormon, I think I have been through a lot in my life, but also I know a lot of people have. These events even though not the best, have created the man I am to oneday become. I am believe when I become a man, which in my book includes a bachelors, a full head of hair, and being over 24 years of age, I will be very proud. But on the Friday night of Pride, I decided to go in full out DRAG to Pride Prom. I thought I did a pretty damn decent job, I do decent makeup, and I had a gorgeous dress, handbag, wig, etc... Well I get there and everyone is like OMG you look great. So I was like"YAY!" Well as the evening passed( ALL 1 HOUR OF IT!), I decided I wanted to go Wild Mustangs. Well I had noone to go with, and I ran into someone I had not seen in a year. They tagged along ...

So another two weeks have come and gone in the life of T. Nothing very excited has happened that I can think of really. Besides that fact that I went on a horrible date! So, I started a new job a few weeks ago. I was walking around the complex, and I met this other guy... Obviously he was gay! So we talked, and he seemed sweet, but a little nerdy. He was kinda cute in a weird geeky way, so I decided to go on a date with him that evening. Well I meet him at work, and then we drive to his place. It was a nice little apartment thing, and he was talking all happy and everything. He was not sure where to take me, but I love sushi and he knew this cool little sushi place. We get there, and they know him by name. (Joseph is his name sorry!) We small talk, he talks about his best friend Rachel who is just so Glamorous. This that and the other, and it wasn't awkward silence kinda date, just friendly talk. At this point I wasn't really digging it, but I needed some! Like it has been a w...

God, do I ever love Russian men, there is just something so about them! As you can see from a random Google search to the left! I want to go to Russia next summer to Moscow State University and study Russian. My Mother, is absolutely baffled by the idea, and thinks I would do better staying at home. However, if I save up for the trip, and pay for it myself what can the woman say! Her reasons are the Russian Mob, Communists, Terrorists, and the fact that I do not speak Russian. Her reasoning is I am Hispanic, so therefore I must speak Spanish! She is fine with me backpacking Central America for a month, with less then mediocre Spanish skills. Staying in a third world country, shitty hostels, riding third world buses, going to villages in the middle of nowhere, and being out contact from the civilized for for days on end! So, there you have another attempt at Mothers reason! Back to my main point... I have always had a random fascination with Russia. I remember watching Anastasia the mov...

Bois are an enigma to myself. Being one, I thought I would have a little bit of luck understanding one. However, such a philosophy in the gay scene of GAY-T-L, just doesn't hold true. Bois come and go like the wind, a whisper in my hear. Hoping I can understand them when heard, but they turn out to be nothing more then murmurs. However, if there is one thing I have learned it is this. Bois like to screw with your mind, they lure you into this trap they have setup. Flirting with you across the room, sending you those glances, and then that little smirk. Which I have determined means I want to fuck you, not get to know you. Those quickie fucks can be fun though, and many times it turns into many quickie fucks. So, a sigh of relief to the fact that I do get some action. The older I get though, the stronger the urge is to find someone compatible with myself. I've had one boyfriend, and that lasted a few month. I was 16 or 17, and still in the closest, and that boi moved far away. ...

The spring of 2007 was my final year in cheerleading, but I stayed active. Through the summer I stayed active, but I continued to eat a lot. I kept my weight somehow in a checks and balances... Well August rolls around, and I start college. I was only part time taking 9 credit hours, not a full course load, but a lot on top of my my full time work schedule. I found a way to balance it... September comes, and we move into a new house. It is a beautiful house, only problem it's 30 minutes away from the nearest gym. Frantic I suck it up, and manage to get in the gym 3 days a week. Well I gained a 8 pounds when finals, papers, and work got tough from October-December. Then I leave to backpack Mexico for 3 weeks. It was a great expiereance, and the food was OMG. It was so OMG when I got back on January 11th, I weighed 148... I have continued to eat like a bottomless pig, and this morning my weight hit 150.1 LBS. Not only is this not going to fly, it's going to all go away. My ass lo...