The Tragedy Has Been Written

My fellow readers, bloggers, and whomever reads this. This Tragic chapter of my life is almost over. I am emotionally, and physically drained, and cannot think straight. I am in tears in and out of the day, with a family that doesn't understand. They sway back and forth as if they themselves were wheat stems in the wind.

I was outed Saturday night. How? I do not want to go into detail. However, when I did comeout it was supposed to be planned. This was unexpected and it's killing me inside...

Having a Mormon mother, and family is hard. At first she was understanding of the whole thing. Now, it is as if something has sucked the force of love, and understanding out of her. She is constantly in a state of tears. Asking, " Why have I chosen this for myself?" She believes I am going to burn in hell, and that this choice is her fault. She keeps blaming it on herself, and thinks somewhere in my childhood I was molested...

She goes in and out of these moods, where she is happy for a minute. Then out of the blue, the raging devil within her emerges. I have been told I am not worthy of her love, I am nothing, and worst of all she said, " You Shame Me."

Stunned by these things, I have cried. Constantly I am blaming myself for being so stupid, however I know this is not a choice. I have thrown up, gotten drunk, and have tried to explain to myself this will all pass. However with each passing day it grows worse, and the ridicule from friends and family that goes along with it.

The first time in my life I feel so vulnerable. All of my achievements, and sucess, equals nothing in her eyes anymore. To her I am a walking sin, an abomination sent by Lucifer himself. As much as I pray the pain never seems to ease. When I am not crying, I am sleeping. And when I am not that I am somewhere in Midtown drowing myself in vodka and rum. Pleaing for a glimse of hope beyond the rainbow, however I seemed to have pissed right through my pot of gold.

This pit which I lie in, seems like there is no escape. Asking for help only leaves me with a room full of people that offer no solution to my self shame. While I have known for sometime, and though all would be fine. It is not, and the feeling os isolation has never been so high. Out of all of the world, I have been placed on center stage. To sing in the opera of the gods, and to play the fiddle with the crow.

My brothers are terrified of me, and my friends refuse to speak to me. The gay friends I have seem to have turned their back on me, and the church has found out. The Bishop, Elders, and several people from relief society came overnight. They tried to explain to me it's just a phase. I have strayed from the path, but they can go and fuck themselves for all I care.


I know who, and what I am...There is no changing it, and I would not have it any other way. For some reason I never expected rejection so hard, and this is what hurts the most. I love them, but for now it seems they do not love me. I am gay, yes. I love it, and it is not a choice.

I will write a post in a day or two, when I can think straight. I need sleep loves...