A Modern Day Tragedy

Very rarely do I see a blog worth mentioning in this, besides the ones in my blogroll. Whoever this is a very original blog, and one worth reading. It's called " Letters To Zac."

Cheers,

T

Tonight I met a guy. He was silent at first in our discussion group, a gay group might I add. We were sitting there, talking about what ever. He was so cute sitting there, and then towards the end we smiled at each other a few times. Towards the we were leaving and he was following me and the instructor I assume. The instructor said, " Goodbye" and then he turned to me and said, " I'll see you later." I had just gotten the courage to run up to him and ask him if he wanted to go to Starbucks when.....


Someone started talking to me. I couldn't be rude and just run out the door. So for 2 minutes we talked, and I ran around for about 10 minutes looking for this guy. The other guys there all wanted my number but I didn't want to give it to him... I wanted this guy's number and his only....

Sigh, this happens whenever I see a cutie.

I am so sick of giving my heart to someone and being in that euphoric, "Everything is Grand O'le Great" state of mind. I am sick of giving myself to someone and have them kick me to the curb like dog shit. I am sick of calling and calling any guy I talk to, and either them try to fuck me, or never call me back. I am sick of having a great conversation with a guy only to have then jump up and talk to the next best thing in line. The fact is I had sex with Greg 4 months ago. It was great because I felt something for him.I don't like being close to someone if there is no connection there. I have no desire for sex, until I know I feel something for someone. I am fine with my left hand and Sean Cody, and Corbin Fisher....

I am going to give up the hopes of finding some Abercrombiehott ass guy, in hopes of falling in love, and becoming a Stepford Fag. I am no longer attracted to these kinds of guys because all they want is Party, Sex, and well sex.... I want that genuine boy next kinda guy, with that sway in his hair, and that will admit his own wrong doing. I want that guy who stands in the corner of the club, because he doesn't like dancing and just wants to go outside and talk. I want that person who instead wants to go the " GAY CLUBS AND DANCES" and would just rather do something more quiet with friends. I don't want the hottest guy, I do however still am attracted to people. They have to be cute, and I find most guys are cute in their way. However there are some I just am not attracted to....

I am want that guy whom I can give to and recieve back. I want that guy who has the corkiest talent, but I find it charming. I miss Greg, he was my Prince Charming in a way. Even though he slept with Blake, and all that Jazz. I have forgiven him in my heart. I still look at his picture everyday, and he is always in my mind. I often wonder what he is doing at that exact moment in time. I am not sure I had over reacted with that, because I now know he has cut off all relations with Blake. I now know how bad he felt, and that he cried for much longer then I did. I know he missed me, and I know he wanted me back. It's funny because I now drive a Magnum, and he got a Chrysler 300 for Christmas. They are cousin cars, and not a day goes by I don't see a Chrysler 300 and see us doing something goofy as fuck in the window. He made me smile, and we never fought, but he did have the guts to tell me he had slept with Blake. He felt so bad he could confide that to me in hopes of forgiveness. I trusted him, and I still do. And more then ever I want him back. I drove by his house today, and there is a For Sale sign in the yard. The house was empty he has told me his family was moving somewhere this Spring. I don't remember where. I think it was back to California. I tried calling his cell phone, and his number has been deactivated. I hardly knew any of his friends, and he changed his SN and deleted his Myspace.....

I want someone like him again.... I just wish I could have him back.

I am going to stop posting so many day to day posts about everything that happens in my life. I am going to however start posting posts mainly about my growth and expieriences in the Gay World. So instead of updating 2-3 times a day, expect more like 4-5 times a week. I think it will make the blog more interesting, and not so full of crap.

I am however going to be going to the Youth Pride dance this Friday in Atlanta.

Cheers,

T

Last night I went to the GA Tech Gay Pride Par-Tay, well thats what they called it. Anyway it really was a blow, I went with a guy I met at Youth Pride. He is so sweet, and his friends were all really good to me. I hardly ever drink and when I do it is maybe a glass or so of wine. However I had what they called, "2 tall shot glasses", of straight up vodka I believe. The shit burned like hell both times going down my throat. I have learned from then when I drink I go from pretty much straight acting to a total trannie, whatever that means I still don't know. Apparently I say such things at , " Hunny, Bitch, Whatever,...." and such gay queen lingo. I don't really remember this....

I do know by the time I have sobered up they were leaving for the Party. The dancing sucks, and in fact I hate dancing. I stand there with 2 guys on each side of me just going back and forth. I would rather be at work. Well there was this adorably quiet guy standing by the enterance stamping peoples hands.... I had to ask about a million people what his name was, and then someone introduced me to him. I talked to him for all of about 5 minutes and I thought it was pretty good, and he goes, " Have you seen Jeremy?" He left and went to talk to some other guy, and I just felt like shit for the rest of the evening. I have stopped being attracted to the gorgeous 6 pack, Abercrombie looking models, and I have decided I would much rather have a modest, average joe, sweet guy. I am sick of dating and being attracted to hot people, they fool with my mind and then leave me for dead on the side of the rode.

So after this guy stopped talking to me and walked away I was heading out to leave. I was gonna head home, because I just didn't feel I belonged there. As I was leaving a few people had been looking for me and found me getting in my car.

I ended up going back into the Dorms to a party. There was another guy there who was adorable, but not my type. He was the kinda 6 pack, male whore, I wanna sex you kinda guy. I ended up getting drunk AGAIN, and somehow he convinced me to leave and go to his dorm, by way of the Stingerette.....

I ended up there and finally after an hour I sobered up enough and refused to drink anymore. The guy I came with text messaged me, asking where I was I had been gone three hours and he was worried sick. I told him I would find my way back there. The guy whom I was in his TINY ass dorm with went to the restroom, and I grabbed my shoes and ran before I regretted anything.

I still wonder what he though when he returned to his dorm. I had to walk about 2 miles I suppose, perhaps less to get back to West Campus? I don't remember which one. I do remember feeling like shit that whole time walking back in the rain, with wet shoes, thinking to myself, " WTF have I done?"

I ended up back at the dorm they were having a small party. I just sat there for the longest time quiet as hell and such, and not saying a damn thing. Finally I just set things aside and stopped worring about it. I ended up having a good time towards the end. Then the laptop shut off and nomore music the PARTY was over. I had danced some, but I still can't dance like a slut. They are trying though...

Towards the end of the night about 3:30 AM me and 5 other guys crammed into this tiny ass dorm room. the one guy was on the bed, he was drunk but he had been very kind to me. The other I were with kept wanting to do shit to him while he was pretty much passed out. I guess I kinda had to put my foot down there. Eventually we 4 slept on the floor like sardins, with a tiny ass blanket.... and a few pillows....

I am home and safe now, and I need a show major.

Cheers,

T

I really don't know who I am. I constantly struggle with myself to define who I am, and for noone but myself. I think about things I am sure most people my age don't think about. I am secretly a geek, and I love Dungeons and Dragons, Star Trek, Battle Star Galactica, HALO, Star Craft, and other nerdy SciFi gigs. I am overly critical of things and people, and highly judgemental, and I have high standards for myself and others around me. I don't really gossip, if I have something to say, I say it to your face. I love the colours blue and black together, and I find the colour green repulsive. I really don't know how to spell the word colour, so I spell it colour and color....

I would define myself as an artist with a massive artists block, and a businessman. I love business and money issues. I am not sure why exactly I have always been good with money, and making it and coming up with new concepts, and understanding the philosophy of money has always been in my art. I also love the arts though I am born writer, although you can barely tell from this blog being I don't give shit about grammar, and I also love painting and photography.....


This is a useless post, but oh well.

Cheers,

T

For the longest time even though I have finally admitted I was gay to myself. I still have felt like I am the Sinners Saint in the eye's of God. I still felt the burden that I am gonna go to hell. I still feel guilty for something I know I cannont help. It's not a choice, but who I am. Nothing can change that. I have always felt like I was in this battle for myself. That along the way I would have no true allies in the world....

However I have heard of a place called Youth Pride here in Atlanta. My Mom is out of town on business, and my brothers were at something for school. I had a chance to go so I went. I felt nervous there, when I first arrived. I asked some guys sitting downstairs where 18-24 year olds where. The just said find the biggest group they change rooms often,. I went in the was so nervous and shaky the first 30 minutes there. The first guy who was very kind just said sit down. There was another guy accross the room, and he was just talking and I was silent for about 30 minutes. Then the guy I shall call " D" told me to introduce myself and my age. I did and noone could hear me. I was squeeking like a little mouse. I was shaky and uptight, then I started loosening up. I finally learned that the other guy, whom I shall call "A", is an EX Mormon. I jumped up and wanted to talk to him.

They made me feel very safe and secure. We went out to eat at some place called Willy's which is like Moe's. I talked to them for about an hour, and I loved them. They made me feel like I had a place to belong in the world. He talked to me about the Church, and my options. We left, and I drove home.

I got a call from this guy I had given my number to there. He called me and I talked to him for about an hour. He was so sweet, and my current boyfriend hasn't returned my calls, IM"s, or Myspace messages in 5 days so I guess we are broken up. This guy is just so sweet and so damn cute though.

I feel tonight like I have gained a sense of my pride back, and to not be ashamed of what I am. While I still feel like I am on a desolate path I must wonder alone for the next few years, I now know though that if worst came to worst I have allies. I still have this burden in my heart though that God does not approve of me. And that I will never be worthy of acceptance into his Kingdom. Perhaps in time this feeling will go away.

I'll write about Destin tomarrow, or sometime.

I have a new boyfriend as of last Friday, kinda of a long story, and post but I'll call him " AD." Just so you know a post will be about him tomarrow as well....

So we end up in Kentucky and stop at some old mall, and we walk around because we have been driving for hours. We get out and this mall is so damn small I don't really think it qualifies as a mall. However there is this store called The Buckle and they had the coolest clothes in their. Affliction is now my favorite brand of clothing. I also found one at a damn mall an hour at Arbor Place mall....

But yeah, we head through Nashville, that city is so UGLY. From Nashville we head to Chattanooga, and it was so pretty driving through the mountains. 3 Hours later we wee Atlanta, dead beat tired from staying in the Budget Inn which BTW was disgusting. This is Thursday when we get into Atlanta. About 9 PM when we get back to our portion of the city. I get a call from someone that guy I had gone to the Masquerade the Thursday before, asking if I wanted to go. I of course said yeah....

I get to the Masquerade arounf 12 had to pay 3 fracking bucks to get in because the password wasn't gonna work. So the Guy I am with knows all these people there, and I learn the terms fruit flies, and nelly bottom. I don't even wanna know how these terms came to be. But yeah these guys there were smoking something called Black Cove ciggarettes, and everyone was smoking them so I decided, why not? I don't smoke so nicotine has this weird effect on me where I get all light headed and weak feeling, kinda like the first effects of pot I guess. Well after 10 minutes I have started gagging. Coughing and wanting to vomit but having nothing to come up. So I get some water and feel better for about 5 minutes, but then it starts again. I go out front and just vomit up the water, and sit their gagging on my own spit and vomit for 5 minutes. I eat some sort of small bar and a gatorade and feel better about 2 hours later. But already I am fucked up, and I am traveling to Destin that Friday.....


Ill up date tomarrow
I have had to work alot of extra hours this week because this trip broke me

Last Wensday I get a call from one of my friends. They are inviting me on an accross country road trip to go and pick their car up in Minneapolis, MN. Their is one guy I am friends with, and some girl I have never met. Being broke and bored, I of course scream, " Yes!" So we fly up to Minneapolis, and get her car and everything their goes great. BTW, the Mid West from an airplane is seriously one of the ugliest things ever. So we spend 8 hours that day driving back to Atlanta, and smelling cow shit for 200 miles non stop driving through Wisconson....... More to come time for school!

No, I have not gone anywhere. The blog is still here. I got invited on a spring break trip so last minute that I didn't have time to write a post, hell I hardly had time to pack, and left so much stuff at home. I have some pictures, and loads of stories I will post. From Miniesota( however you spell it) to Florida. However I have work. I have gotten 19 emails this week asking where I was.

I have a deep seeded faith in The Lord. Don't get my wrong, but there are many day and lengths of time when I have no clue where my life is headed. In fact I barely know who I am as a person. I often find myself trying to figure myself out, and have a rebirth as a person in a sense.

I was driving around the other day and I saw a sign for a Palm Reader. This isn't the first time I have been to a mystic, 2 years ago I went to a psychic and everything she said freaked me out, and alot of it has came true.

I stopped by the Palm Reader, and went in. She is a yougn woman in her 30's I am going to guess. Very pretty. She asked me my name and sat me down. She asked to see my left hand. I held it out and started by telling me my life would be long, but sometime in the next 9 months she saw diabeties in my family. Not me for say, but someone close to me. She then went to explain that the last three years of my life have been and emotional uproar for me and a hard one at that. She was right on the money to say. Then she went to freak me out by saying, " I am feeling that you played with forces beyond you control by either a seance or ouji board, and I am inclined more to the ouji board."

She was right, last year sometime I did toy around with a ouji board, candels and such. She then goes, " You let a wondering spirit in, and it's not a spirit of the light. It is trapped between the worlds, and feeds off your positive energy to try and enter the realm of the spirits. It is what is repsonsible for you mood swings, and up and down days. It is what has caused you to loose your tumbling and makes you suffer those mental blocks." I didn't even mention cheerleading. She was starting to kinda scare me by this point.

Then she goes, " My child I sense you who you are. You don't let people close to you, you have walls put up, and you don't go with what God intended for you to do in life. You don't show people who you really are. You don't gossip about people, and you tell it it how it is right to their face. You are very judgemental."

Then to continue, " Beware child of the girl with the L in her name. She will cause you much harm to to far down the road."....." Also I sense that you are not attracted to girls but to men child. That is fine, because you were sent to this realm that way. You love to easily though, and beware of the boy with the whose name is T, I don't know much more but he has blue eyes, but don't fall for him. He will hurt you far more then the last one did..."

By this point I was believing her, and when I left an hour later I was crying. She had freaked me out, but she told me not to worry. That things in my life will fall into place over the next year, and that I will be fine.

That was the best 25 dollars I have spent in eons.... I am gonna go back in a few months I really liked her.

So today I went into Golden Corral with my brothers. I didn't think about the cute guy whoi was there before, but then I remember him. I walked around for about 2 minutes then I saw him doing a private party room. There was no way he could be out waiter so I took the table nearest to him. He didn't see us at first, but as he walked by to do something he saw me out of the corner of his eye. HE was staring at me, and I looked up and he turned his head so fast. I think he was blushing. Then he walked back a few minutes later, and he was getting some rolls from the counter. I jumped up in line right behind him, and as he was bending over I tried to get a butt shot. No, luck he stood up and handed me the utensils to get the rolls. He just stepped aside so politely, and I accidently touched his hand for a a second. He didn't say anything but I said thank you and he just stood there.

He is so adoreably cute. Not like most guys I am attracted to. He has very fair skin, and rosey cheeks with this light brown short hair. I just find him so sexy though. I just am not sure if he is gay or not. I want to try and get some personal information out of him, or at least about him. So I can find some commonm grounds to talk to him. He has that shy demeanor though, but God I would pay for the buffet just to see his ass everyday.....

I am clueless on what to do next. I just can't approach him....